New Blog

October 5, 2011

Hi guys–

I started a new blog. I’m still working out the kinks, and maybe I’ll give it up eventually, but right now it’s where I’m writing. Check it out:




September 20, 2011

I have not been posting, but it is not my fault. I have been busy lately. I am VERY important.


1) Acquiring a (FREE) stress ball shaped like a smiling penis. It is smiling because it is so healthy (I think). At the bottom of the penis it says “Get tested for syphilis five times a year!”

2) Watching The Wire. All of it. I sat through a lot of fake shootings, fake beatings, and fake accents–because the guy who plays McNulty is secretly British, and so is the guy who plays Stringer! My dad showed me a YouTube clip of Stringer (“Idris Elba”) introducing some Masterpiece Theater and calling people “ahtists” in a shirt that I think was SILK. Actors, man. You can never tell how much silk they own!!!

3) Talking to my dad about elliptical trainers. He doesn’t like them because he can’t figure out if he’s going forwards or backwards. Or, as he put it: “I get on them, and I start moving, and I’m like, what IS that?” My dad is a college professor. To all his students who are scared of him: you are also scared of elliptical trainers indirectly. Which means double indirectly, you are scared of walking. Which means suck it up.

4) Buying a bed. It was surprisingly hard (no pun intended) (especially no dirty pun, what would that EVEN MEAN) because whenever I lie on a mattress that is for sale, I want it. It feels great. Lying down is sick. Eventually, I picked (at random) a ridiculously hard mattress–it is like I have an icebox where my mattress used to be, ONE COULD SAY–but I don’t even care. Other people care. Other people think I must be kind of severe. But I am in my extremely firm bed right now, getting enough back support for at least four people, and I am so happy!

So, those are my top four excuses for having no internet presence. I’ll try to write something SOON/tomorrow? Love to anyone who has stuck with my blog through the thick and the very very vanishingly thin.

The Cat in the Apt

August 22, 2011

I just moved into a new apartment, and my roommate has a cat. Which is cool! I like animals. The problem is, animals do not like me. Even my childhood gerbils thought I was a douche. Animals can just somehow smell my fear, weakness, and total unsneakiness.  I am unsneaky in that, for example, if I want to go through a door, I will look at the door and then walk toward it. When I am sad, I look sad. When I am happy, I look exactly like this: 😀

So animals do not see me as an authority figure. (Neither do children. Neither do adults.) And yet, just by being a human and being bigger than her and paying rent, I have some authority over my roommate’s cat. I can do things like pick her up and move her out of the bathroom when I’m showering, or close doors so she can’t go into/out of rooms. . This drives her nuts. The first night I slept in the apartment, I closed my door and the cat sat outside ALL NIGHT, not sleeping, not eating, and not liking me. Sometimes she would stick her paw under the door and hold it cat-palm up, like a little begging orphan. She would also flex her claws, like a little begging DRAGON orphan. Badum chhhh. Badum fire. I should delete that because it’s so unfunny but I can’t because it’s also suuuch an honest look inside my brain. That is all there is in there. “Badum fire” floating around in like, Comic Sans.

Anyway, I wish there was a way I could talk to the cat and just be like, “Hey, I know I don’t inspire a ton of respect. I know you saw me break my own mirror by sitting on it. But I respect you, and what you do, which is lounge around all day smelling the walls of the apartment. I know sometimes I pick you up and move you out of the bathroom, but I think if you had really comprehensive information about what goes on in there, you wouldn’t mind. Please don’t be mad at me. I think you are special!”

Cats don’t talk though, so my plan is mad foiled right now. I need a new plan. My backup plan so far is “become likeable” but I feel like it needs to be fleshed out more.

Nice and hefty

August 8, 2011

This is kinda old news, but luckily it is also not real news (in the sense of like, no newspaper would run this, and even the Onion would be like “This is not very satirical Mae, we’re going to go with ‘Guy Drools All Over His Burger Because Life Has No Meaning'” instead). So it is not a real problem. I really fucked up the logical flow of this paragraph so I’m going to start another paragraph now, and it will be my actual story instead of this little windup thing.

One time I was sitting outside a restaurant with my friend, pretty bored and also (as I will reveal again in this same sentence) kind of sexually frustrated, and I was like, “Man, friend, I just want to make out with someone. It doesn’t really matter who. I would make out with that horse.”

Because right then one of there was one of those horse and carriages going by. Also, I call all my friends “friend.” It’s like how Quakers call each other “Oats.”

So my friend looks up (GRAVELY) at this horse clopping down the street and then she looks at me and she goes, “Yeah, that makes sense. You both have big teeth.”

She was not wrong. But the horse was kind of gone by that point and if the horse had approached me, maybe I would have gone for it, but I wasn’t going to really pursue the horse. I hear the horse was kind of a douche anyway. A good horse does not kiss and neigh. Or kiss and hoove. Or kiss and ponytail. (What is the horse equivalent of kiss and tell? Why can’t I stop talking? THE END. THE END.)

Fuckin you whether times are good or bad, happy or sad!

July 21, 2011

The other day I was explaining radio censorship to my dad. We were listening to the top 40 radio station (because  my dad an I only listen to XTREME CLUB ANTHEMS) (because we are XTREMELY RELATED) and it was playing that Enrique song, “Tonight (I’m Lovin’ You).”

SIDE NOTE: I love the parentheses in that song title. I literally could look at them all day while smiling lovingly. The only way the title could be better is if it was “(Tonight) I’m (Lovin’ You)” or maybe “(Tonight I’m)(Lovin’ You)” and then you would have to use the FOIL method to talk about the song at all.

We’re listening to this song and my dad’s like, “This song is kind of… shrill,” and I was like, “Also, fun fact: it’s actually called ‘Tonight I’m Fuckin’ You.’ This is the radio edit.”

My dad, being old, is shocked and like, wonders if this has something to do with Twitter. Which is what old people wonder about everything. They see a cloud in the sky and they are like, “It is there because of Twitter.”

So later that day we’re driving back from wherever we were driving to, and that Nelly song “Just A Dream” is on the radio. And we’re listening to the part where Nelly’s telling you to put your hands up if you’ve ever loved somebody, and suddenly my dad (as if waking from a long sleep! Which is weird because he was driving and being asleep while you drive is party foul numero uno!) goes:

“But he’s really saying ‘If you’ve ever fucked somebody put your hands up.’ Right?”

Which is not right, but I bet someone makes a song that says that soon. People like putting their hands up, people like profanity… it seems like a hit waiting to happen! Or multiple hits waiting to happen! Once “If you’ve ever fucked somebody put your hands up” drops, it’s only a matter of time before “If you’ve ever shat somewhere put your hands up.”  And THEN it’s only a matter of time before insta-classic of 2016, “If you’ve ever ass put your hands up.”

Shake it like the Whomping Willow

July 10, 2011

Have you heard this T-Pain song, “Best Love Song”? I secretly really like it, although it is not the best love song I have heard in my life, because I have heard other love songs without  “cowabunga” in them. I think of cowabunga as more for jumping songs than love songs.

I was just listening to this in the car coming back from Whole Foods (my life is so interesting it should honestly be a reality show. A reality show called “Driving To And From Stores And Listening To The Top 40 Alone.”). There is a part in the song where Chris Brown says, sort of unclearly, “Move your body like a snake.” But I thought he said “Move your body like SNAPE.”

Which made me lol alone in the car. “Okay baby, put on that cloak. Now don’t wash your hair for a week. Now move your body like Snape… that’s right, stir the potion. Stir it real nice. Now get your wand out… yep, you got it. Kill Dumbledore. Oh man, I love you. I love dead Dumbledore. This is the best love song you’ve ever heard in your life! Avada Kedavra!”





Songs to Cry To/About

June 30, 2011

Coldplay’s new single is called “Every Tear is a Waterfall.”

It’s rare that something is so corny and so factually inaccurate at the same time. Like, maybe three tears together could constitute a waterfall, but A SINGLE tear is not a waterfall. It is a waternothing.

Also wtf YOU ARE GROWN MEN, COLDPLAY MEMBERS. Can you imagine being an adult man and introducing yourself to someone like, “Hey, I’m in my 30s, I’m responsible, I pay my taxes. Oh and I also invented this great all-purpose saying, ‘Every Tear is a Waterfall.’ Excellent for Christmas, New Years, and birthdays!”

It’s so depressing I just want to cry and then go listen to “Cry Me A River,” a song about crying that makes sense. Britney SHOULD cry JT a river! And she probably did!